Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
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My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.