Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
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I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.