Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
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Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Every work meeting this week
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them