Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
You Might Also Like
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Hitlers gonna hitl
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken