Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t