Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
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I am, perchance
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING