Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
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Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
#winning
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass