Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

💀💀