Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
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interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name