Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
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I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly