Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.