Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
You Might Also Like
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
58.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
can’t bark with your mouth full