Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

In Canada they just call them geese

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?