Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

😂😂😂

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks