Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

termite twitter scares me

Oh. My. God.

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

🐿️