As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
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I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
happy friday
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else