Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
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It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”