@bourgeoisalien

stranger: can i talk to you about Jesus?

me: *explodes into a thousand bats and flies into the nearest Arby’s

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@AbbieEvansXO

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

@TheHyyyype

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

@mommajessiec

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

@thesulk

Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.

@HallpassCanada

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

@KateWhineHall

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

@simoncholland

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

@VodkaTiem

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

@AmberDonn

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.