When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
stranger: can i talk to you about Jesus?
me: *explodes into a thousand bats and flies into the nearest Arby’s
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Are Smurfs just a bunch of midget Avatars? #yeahimhigh
Always a metermaid never a meter
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof