Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
stranger: can i talk to you about Jesus?
me: *explodes into a thousand bats and flies into the nearest Arby’s
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[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.