stranger: can i talk to you about Jesus?

me: *explodes into a thousand bats and flies into the nearest Arby’s

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When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me


It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.


Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead


[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.


ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible


pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*


*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]


The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof