Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
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[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
