Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

I only say stupid things when I talk.

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.