Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms