Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
![]()
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.