Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

A short story of betrayal:

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?