Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”
You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
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as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101