[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
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I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”