Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree