Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

I’m dying louder than usual today.

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

Cats (2019)

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.