Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.