Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
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[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad