Stranger: Iâm going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please donât
Stranger: Itâs on sale đ„°
Me: Omg 3 please
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someone please explain to my neighbour I wasnât âfighting a box,â I was doing the recycling
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It wouldâve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Sorry, canât. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
â
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope Iâm hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
My password is âweak?â Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if thereâs any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
*me at Target*
âHey baby, you want some of this?â
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books arenât supposed to make you dumber.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! Iâve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
At jury duty they said, âYou do not have to be fluent in English.â So what youâre supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who wonât try new foods.
People who say âMoney doesnât grow on treesâ donât understand the paper making process.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your petâs behavior
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
8: Whenâs dadâs birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19âŠ1984
8: 19? WOW