Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

*in court

😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!

😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1661185154105110529/pu/vid/404x720/vARH8cLW_ZJfLXhw.mp4?tag=12

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller