Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
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[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Bless you
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?