Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.