Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
You Might Also Like
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
i’m gonna allow it
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Always…
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?