Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

handsome & gretel

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

I only look at Wordle for the articles

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

new wife guy just dropped

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

I created you as mosquito food.

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”