Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

Perfection.

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.