Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

i can’t wait that long

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

Uh oh 👀

A game married people play.

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?