Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
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A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
asked my bf how work was today
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?