Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

🙂🐾

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.