Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
You Might Also Like
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.