Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.