Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
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It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Thursday
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.