Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
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I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.