Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
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[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
They did not miss in the small print
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
the duality of man
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.