employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
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Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life