Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.