Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*