STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
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Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’