Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

Something Saturday.

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference