Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha