Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
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HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water