Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
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A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.