Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
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I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Why the hell do we have butter knives? Steak knives cut butter just fucking fine. I’ve never said, “Do we have anything duller in the house? This is way too sharp for butter. It could slice right through that shit.”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
A male goth is called a broth.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.