Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
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I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.