Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
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[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Hmm 🧐
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
