Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
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instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating