Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
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“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory