Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
You Might Also Like
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.