Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

This is so me 😂😂

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

they finally got him. they got macavity