Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
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Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Venn
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”