Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
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Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.