Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just having fun

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

I put the I in Insufferable.

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.