Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
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I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough