Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
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everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂