Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

I disagree with my politics

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.