stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
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Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.