stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

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Set my phone to change K to Okay!! so I don’t look rude. Now it looks like I’m all excited about stupid shit, and I’m Okay!! with that.


If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!


They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot


On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.


One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.


Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer


therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”


girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said