stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
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You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…