Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss

By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone