Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

Oops I deleted….

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

#JohnTravolta

@funTweeters I am at your service….

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

“Today is chest and leg day!”

-me, ordering at KFC

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.