Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

Stop sending me this shit.

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.

Spring of Deception

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

You can’t rush stupid.

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”