Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?