Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
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*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
this is 10/10 content no notes
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Employees must applaud the planets.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I need better friends
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.